Insights

Healing is Feeling is Loving

Fear Jones

It's power time.
I am not a victim of fear.
I am not a victim of other people's notions of me.
I am not a victim of other people's projections.
Only my own. Well I was, until today.

I felt a vex come down on me today. A familiar vexation of fear. It came down like never before. I saw how I was making this energy of fear into meaning something bad or horrible. I saw how powerful it was to be so scared and so convinced that it means something bad is happening or will happen. I saw that this was a sure way to manifest something bad and horrible into existence. And I also saw that I had a choice. Up until now, I have seen evidence that through strong emotion, intention and belief, I create my reality. This situation was no different. With all the might I could conjure, I proclaimed that I am no longer a victim of fear. I proclaimed that I am no longer a victim, period. I proclaimed that I choose joy! Even though I was crying and still felt like crap, I proclaimed living and experiencing joy! (At that point, I was yelling at the top of my lungs.) I proclaimed that all aspects of myself, all the places where I feel scattered and broken, will now function healthily and cohesively toward one focus. That focus is living a dynamic life. Ah, that felt good! Then I started to notice the little thoughts in my mind, which eventually turn into big thoughts in my mind, like:
Well what will he think?
Well what will they think?

I started yelling again.
I AM ONLY HELD TO MYSELF! I AM HELD TO MY HEART, MY SOUL, MY WISDOM, MY INTEGRITY, MY INTUITION, MY KNOWLEDGE, MY LIFE! MYYYYY LLLIIIFFFEEEE! MYSELF!

I really meant it. It felt like I really 'got' all of that for the first time. There are other important personal proclamations I made that I will keep private. I felt so much better! I no longer felt vexed. I felt a completion, fulfillment and wholeness. I was spending so much time focusing on other people's opinions, that I scattered myself into incohesive pieces. I scattered myself into an entity other than myself.

As far as fear goes, well, it reminds me of a line in the movie Love Jones. Savon, played by Isaiah Washington, says to Darius, played by Lorenz Tate, 'When that jones comes down, it's a mothafucka!' The jones of fear came down. And it can be a mothafucka, or not. It's up to me.

Insights - Mercury in Retrograde

The point of Mercury in Retrograde is to bring old/past situations to the present, so that they can be healed and reconciled. The point is to release beliefs that we have that are not true to bring us in alignment with the truth. In healing, reconciliation and truth, we are taken higher and deeper. We expand out into experiencing more of what we want. We walk more profoundly and consciously in Love.

Mercury has been in retrograde since June 16th and will continue to July 10, 2007. Astrologers suggest not signing any contracts or beginning any new projects while Mercury is in retrograde. Astrology sites I frequent are below. If you know of any good ones, please post them in the comment section.
Susan Miller's Astrology
Astro-calendar: Moon Sign, Moon phase, Moon Void of Course, Planetary changes, more!

Cherishing this time,
S

Is it me?

From almost as far back as I can remember, I've felt weird. I've felt like a fish out of water. As I write this, I'm reflecting on my early life and seeing just what exactly made me feel weird.

Well, as a kid, I picked up on people's energy, very strongly. So strongly, that it made me uncomfortable. It made me uncomfortable because I felt it but the person projecting it was not acknowledging their energy. And, the other people around didn't seem to be acknowledging it either. So I started to think that this energy was my problem or my fault or...my issue in some way. It made me feel guilty. Jesus. I was feeling guilty about energy that really didn't have anything to do with me. That has definitely been a consistent theme in my life. Then, of course, just to solidify my feelings of guilt, to somehow make my feeling guilty make sense, I'd do things or put myself in situations, that would reinforce guilt. Wild.

I also, as a kid, had a sense of a lot of love around, very strong love. But that energy of Love seemed be....locked in....or stifled. It felt like there was a tremendous force of love within everyone around but it was being kept in a bit, and not being fully expressed outwards. Interesting.

Yes, so as I write this, I realize a big part of my feeling weird is that I was aware of all of this, but no one was talking about it, so I thought it was just me.

Then I started going to school. In kindergarten, my teacher wrote on my report card that I needed to be more 'patient' with students who may not answer questions as quickly as I would like. I don't remember that. But I guess I really didn't care much what people thought about me. But at some point, I did start to care. I started to care a lot. So that started a phase of leaving myself, to be liked and to fit in and be seen as acceptable. I had to work very hard at this! First, I already felt fundamentally weird. Second, I wasn't being myself. Third, I picked up on their energy, and tried to mold myself...energetically, into what I thought was acceptable to them. Wow.

Po' precious little Simone. My inner child needs a hug!! :) But seriously, that may not be too far off. I really feel that I've come to a point in my life, where it's time for my inner child to know that she is okay, and beautiful, just as she is. She needs to know that being weird is okay. It may not be the norm, but there is certainly no shame in it. She needs to know that feeling energy from people, and trusting her instincts about that energy may not be normal, but it is certainly natural.

I remember looking at trees and thinking, 'Why am I not that tree?' 'Why am I apart from that tree over there?' I remember having the sense, all at once, that I know I am the tree, I believed I was separate from the tree, I didn't understand why I was separate from the tree and I didn't understand why there was a difference between my knowing and believing. Weird? haha

I've met some kindred weirdos in my life. Thank goodness! They have been instrumental in helping me to celebrate myself. Ultimately, as much as they reflect self-acceptance, self-love, self-respect and self-value to me, they can't do it for me.

I was sitting in the park yesterday. I was totally blissed out! It was a joy I'd never quite experienced before. Amazing. I was effortlessly smiling so hard my cheeks started to hurt. And, I thought, 'I must look crazy. Here I am being weird again.' I mean, if I was walking down the street and saw somebody with a smile like the one I had on my face, I would think, 'Oh, either they're crazy or they are really high.' So, what I've come to is that those thoughts all came from me. They came from my mind. Nobody else's. So while I'm worrying about what other people may or may not be thinking, I'm missing the fact that I'm the one actually thinking it!! Shit. Enough is enough already.

Ultimately, my experience is a result of MY thoughts about me, not anybody else's!! I need to write that again. My experience is a result of MY thoughts, not anybody else's!! Damn, that's the truth.

So, I'm, what in this society, is called weird. Okay. I can embrace that or struggle with it, and try to be something I'm just not. I can be in total alignment with myself or suppress myself in some way. I CHOOSE THE FORMER! I CHOOSE TO BE MY 100% WEIRD SELF! hahahaha! Yeah!

The River and The Rocks

I was walking in the park today. I came upon a beautiful creek. As I stopped to get a closer look at the water, I was drawn by the sweetness of the water flowing gently over and past the rocks in its path. I breathed in the peaceful sounds of the creek, the wind and the birds joyfully making music together. It was heaven. I experienced a moment of heaven on earth. I was so honored because I had the sense that I had been welcomed by the creek to witness its sacredness. I wept in joy and gratitude. I saw the reality of the 'spirit' of the elements. I saw the exquisitely precious spirit of the flowing water of the creek. The great Native Americans spoke of the spirit of things. I have a better understanding of this now. Nature is alive with spirit just as I am. It deserves honor, loving care and respect, just as all living beings do. Aho!*

I thanked the creek and continued on my walk. Towards the end of my walk, I went back to the creek. Despite my concerns that people might think I was crazy, I sat down at the edge of the creek, closed my eyes and meditated. As I opened my eyes, I looked at the clear water effortlessly flowing through the rocks. Then, I received its teaching...

The water effortlessly flows downstream regardless of rocks in its path. The water does not stop and yell at the rock to get out of its way. The water does not stop and complain that a rock is there. It takes the path of least resistance and keeps it moving. There is no problem with a rock being in its path. It actually creates beautiful, peaceful, healing sounds when the water meets the rocks. Their meeting creates art.

I'm realizing now that the water's effortless flow downstream and path of least resistance is led by the living spirit of the water and the living spirit in all things.

--
*Aho is a word of confirmation in the Native American culture. It's similar to the African-American saying, 'Word!'