Is it me?

From almost as far back as I can remember, I've felt weird. I've felt like a fish out of water. As I write this, I'm reflecting on my early life and seeing just what exactly made me feel weird.

Well, as a kid, I picked up on people's energy, very strongly. So strongly, that it made me uncomfortable. It made me uncomfortable because I felt it but the person projecting it was not acknowledging their energy. And, the other people around didn't seem to be acknowledging it either. So I started to think that this energy was my problem or my fault or...my issue in some way. It made me feel guilty. Jesus. I was feeling guilty about energy that really didn't have anything to do with me. That has definitely been a consistent theme in my life. Then, of course, just to solidify my feelings of guilt, to somehow make my feeling guilty make sense, I'd do things or put myself in situations, that would reinforce guilt. Wild.

I also, as a kid, had a sense of a lot of love around, very strong love. But that energy of Love seemed be....locked in....or stifled. It felt like there was a tremendous force of love within everyone around but it was being kept in a bit, and not being fully expressed outwards. Interesting.

Yes, so as I write this, I realize a big part of my feeling weird is that I was aware of all of this, but no one was talking about it, so I thought it was just me.

Then I started going to school. In kindergarten, my teacher wrote on my report card that I needed to be more 'patient' with students who may not answer questions as quickly as I would like. I don't remember that. But I guess I really didn't care much what people thought about me. But at some point, I did start to care. I started to care a lot. So that started a phase of leaving myself, to be liked and to fit in and be seen as acceptable. I had to work very hard at this! First, I already felt fundamentally weird. Second, I wasn't being myself. Third, I picked up on their energy, and tried to mold myself...energetically, into what I thought was acceptable to them. Wow.

Po' precious little Simone. My inner child needs a hug!! :) But seriously, that may not be too far off. I really feel that I've come to a point in my life, where it's time for my inner child to know that she is okay, and beautiful, just as she is. She needs to know that being weird is okay. It may not be the norm, but there is certainly no shame in it. She needs to know that feeling energy from people, and trusting her instincts about that energy may not be normal, but it is certainly natural.

I remember looking at trees and thinking, 'Why am I not that tree?' 'Why am I apart from that tree over there?' I remember having the sense, all at once, that I know I am the tree, I believed I was separate from the tree, I didn't understand why I was separate from the tree and I didn't understand why there was a difference between my knowing and believing. Weird? haha

I've met some kindred weirdos in my life. Thank goodness! They have been instrumental in helping me to celebrate myself. Ultimately, as much as they reflect self-acceptance, self-love, self-respect and self-value to me, they can't do it for me.

I was sitting in the park yesterday. I was totally blissed out! It was a joy I'd never quite experienced before. Amazing. I was effortlessly smiling so hard my cheeks started to hurt. And, I thought, 'I must look crazy. Here I am being weird again.' I mean, if I was walking down the street and saw somebody with a smile like the one I had on my face, I would think, 'Oh, either they're crazy or they are really high.' So, what I've come to is that those thoughts all came from me. They came from my mind. Nobody else's. So while I'm worrying about what other people may or may not be thinking, I'm missing the fact that I'm the one actually thinking it!! Shit. Enough is enough already.

Ultimately, my experience is a result of MY thoughts about me, not anybody else's!! I need to write that again. My experience is a result of MY thoughts, not anybody else's!! Damn, that's the truth.

So, I'm, what in this society, is called weird. Okay. I can embrace that or struggle with it, and try to be something I'm just not. I can be in total alignment with myself or suppress myself in some way. I CHOOSE THE FORMER! I CHOOSE TO BE MY 100% WEIRD SELF! hahahaha! Yeah!