Staying with Myself

Am I inspired to stay with myself as a result of the love of love or a fear of pain? There's a difference.

I'm baaaacck!

Hiiiiii! I'm back y'all...

It's been a few months since I've posted. So much has happened! Life continues to unfold perfectly. Even when I'm struggling with something or worrying or crying, it's all perfect. It's easy to see the perfection of life when things are going well. But can I say my life is perfect, even when things don't seem to be going my way? It's a challenge. Life is a challenge. I'm finding it can either be an agonizing, destructive challenge where I see myself as a victim, or it can be a joyous, healthy challenge where I see everything is for my growth. It's totally up to me. Will I see myself, other people, situations and my life through the eyes of fear, or will I see it all through the eyes of love? Sound cliche...ok maybe even corny? Maybe. But it's a really good question if I really want to be happy. I've found that seeing through the eyes of fear leads to misunderstanding, miscommunication, insecurity, malice, jealousy, manipulation and perceived setbacks. Seeing through the eyes of love leads to growth, gratitude, humility, humanness, beauty and miracles.

While there are some things in my life that are under my control, there are also some things that aren't. I think the essential issue with wanting to control things is the false notion that changing the external circumstances of a thing or a situation will bring me what I want from that change. Maybe I'm looking to control something so I can experience peace, release and happiness. And sometimes it is absolutely appropriate to change the situation. But I am finding that most times it takes a change in my perception of the situation to truly find and feel the meaning of all situations in my life. And from this new perception, I can make the appropriate decision. I'm finding that when my perception and decisions are made from love, not fear, it is blessed. It is a sacred act I have committed for myself and all involved.

Leave comments...let me know what you've been up to...

Fear Jones

It's power time.
I am not a victim of fear.
I am not a victim of other people's notions of me.
I am not a victim of other people's projections.
Only my own. Well I was, until today.

I felt a vex come down on me today. A familiar vexation of fear. It came down like never before. I saw how I was making this energy of fear into meaning something bad or horrible. I saw how powerful it was to be so scared and so convinced that it means something bad is happening or will happen. I saw that this was a sure way to manifest something bad and horrible into existence. And I also saw that I had a choice. Up until now, I have seen evidence that through strong emotion, intention and belief, I create my reality. This situation was no different. With all the might I could conjure, I proclaimed that I am no longer a victim of fear. I proclaimed that I am no longer a victim, period. I proclaimed that I choose joy! Even though I was crying and still felt like crap, I proclaimed living and experiencing joy! (At that point, I was yelling at the top of my lungs.) I proclaimed that all aspects of myself, all the places where I feel scattered and broken, will now function healthily and cohesively toward one focus. That focus is living a dynamic life. Ah, that felt good! Then I started to notice the little thoughts in my mind, which eventually turn into big thoughts in my mind, like:
Well what will he think?
Well what will they think?

I started yelling again.
I AM ONLY HELD TO MYSELF! I AM HELD TO MY HEART, MY SOUL, MY WISDOM, MY INTEGRITY, MY INTUITION, MY KNOWLEDGE, MY LIFE! MYYYYY LLLIIIFFFEEEE! MYSELF!

I really meant it. It felt like I really 'got' all of that for the first time. There are other important personal proclamations I made that I will keep private. I felt so much better! I no longer felt vexed. I felt a completion, fulfillment and wholeness. I was spending so much time focusing on other people's opinions, that I scattered myself into incohesive pieces. I scattered myself into an entity other than myself.

As far as fear goes, well, it reminds me of a line in the movie Love Jones. Savon, played by Isaiah Washington, says to Darius, played by Lorenz Tate, 'When that jones comes down, it's a mothafucka!' The jones of fear came down. And it can be a mothafucka, or not. It's up to me.